There is a short list of things I Just Don’t Eat, due to moral or other objections. That list includes Funyuns (they make your breath smell like shit), goat cheese (tastes like a mouthful of dirty sock-flavored toothpaste), fast food tacos (for the same reason I don’t eat dog food), and until recently, cheese fries (because in theory, I like not being obese more than I like the taste of fried potatoes smothered in cheese).
A recent late-night trip to Cafe Brazil ended that ridiculous moratorium, though. I ordered my usual Brazilian Breakfast (yeah, their empanada dough kind of sucks but it’s still pretty good when drowned in egg yolk) and stifled my slight horror when my boyfriend ordered the “Pound of Loaded Cheese Fries”–he has the metabolism of a hummingbird and regularly consumes 2,000 calorie “snacks”. When they arrived to the table looking like this, though, my journalistic sense of curiosity meant I was obligated to at least sample them:
Holy shit, these things are good. I realize Snuffer’s is famous for their massive plates of greasy cheese-laden potato sticks, but they’ve got nothing on Cafe Brazil’s. The French fries are ultra-crispy, as if dusted with some sort of starch before being tossed in the fryer, and the perfectly melted Cheddar and assorted toppings (chunks of crispy bacon, pickled jalapenos, and green onions) are evenly distributed, so you’re not left with a sad mound of naked fries after devouring the top layer. The sprinkling of green stuff on top provides a fresh, spicy element that acts as a necessary contrast to the intense richness of the cheese and bacon.
I even indulged my inner Texan by dipping a couple of them in the included side of Ranch dressing (another item on my “Things I Don’t Eat” list). I’m going to venture a guess that this is not the most ideal post-P90X meal. Sorry, Tony Horton.